Piggy Fun Time from Mark

I was reading a book on pig anatomy the other day.
It was all pretty standard until I got to the end.
Then there was a twist in the tale.
Did you hear about the pig with laryngitis?
He was disgruntled.

A pig invited me around to see his new home.
I was surprised – it was actually quite sty-lish.

One day a little pig walked into a bar. He asked the bartender for a beer, and after drinking it he asked where the toilet was.The bartender told him where it was and off walked the pig.

Then another little pig walked in and he also asked the bartender for a beer. After drinking it, he too asked where the toilet was. Once again the bartender gave him directions and off walked the pig.
Then yet another little pig walked into the bar and asked for a beer, which he drank. Then the bartender asked him, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet is?”
The pig replied, “No, I’m the little pig that went wee wee wee all the way home”.

More from the Chairman’s joke book.

A Consultant Heart Surgeon at the Freeman Hospital arrives at Geordie’s bed & draws the curtain
“How are you doing Mr Smith?”, he asks Geordie
“Wey not to bad Doctor ye knaa, cannit grumble”
“Well I suppose you could Mr Smith, I have been looking at your latest test results and you have a tremedous amount of damage to the arteries supplying blood to your heart,  can I ask if you smoke?”
“Wey ah have a couple a day ye knaa, nee more than 2 packets of backy a week though”
“I see, and how long have you been smoking”, asked the consultant
“Wey about 60 years now like”, replied Geordie
“So you started when you were were about 1 then”  replied the consultant wryly
“Nah Man Doctor ye cheeky bugger ! … I was at least ten or eleven like”

Bloke goes to see a geordie doctor, he says “doctor me armpits smell of coconuts” the doctor says “well they’re bounty”.

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?
A Kangaroo is a Marsupial native to Australia
A Kangaroot is what a Geordie says if hes stuck in a lift.

Why did the Geordie get excited when he finished a jigsaw puzzle after 9 months?
It said 2-4 years.

Geordie Fun Time from Chairman Mark

Why does a Geordie lass wear woolly knickers?
– To keep her ankles warm

What’s the difference between a Geordie and a supermarket trolley?
– The trolley has a mind of its own

How many Geordies does it take to change a lightbulb?
– None – they’re quite happy living in the shadows

The Seven Dwarfs are down the mines when there is a cave in. Snow White rushes to the entrance and shouts down. In the distance she hears a voice shouting out ” Newcastle are going to win the Premiership “. Snow White says ” Well at least Dopey’s alive ”

What do you do if a Geordie throws a grenade at you?
– Pull the pin and throw it back

Two Geordies are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it and says ” I know that bloke ” The second one picks it up and says ” of course you do, you thick tw&t – it’s me! “

Chairman’s August Fun

Reckless Driver

A Sunderland fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Magpies supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Newcastle United jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“Climb in, Father. I’ll give you a lift!”

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a NUFC supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn’t see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Newcastle United supporter.”

“That’s OK,” replied the priest “Don’t worry. I got him with the door.”

Primary

A Primary School teacher explains to her class that she is an Newcastle United supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Newcastle United supporters, too. Not really knowing what an NUFC supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a Magpies supporter.”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why I’m proud to be a Sunderland supporter.”, boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Black Cats supporter.

“Well, My Dad and Mam are Black Cats supporters, and I’m a Sunderland fan, too!”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mam was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Mary, “I’d be a Newcastle United supporter.”

Chairman’s report, February 2016

41 Club outing

41 Club outing

We had a good, sociable time at the Kam Sang Restaurant on Thursday. Nothing to report, so I thought you might like a little humour!!

An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said,
‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen from a
retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream.
I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

 

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’
A man was telling his neighbor,
‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty..’

 

Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Maurice replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc:
‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said,
‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
And one more. . .! 
A little old man shuffled slowly into
an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool …
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

 

Putin

Vladimir Putin, who as we know, is always wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina
puts her hand up and says “I have two questions”

“Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?”

Putin says “Good questions” But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says “I have Four questions”
“My Questions are –

Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
And where is Alina?”

A tale for those former rugby players amongst you !

A Poem for old rugby players………..

When the battle scars have faded
And the truth becomes a lie
And the weekend smell of liniment
Could almost make you cry.

When the last rucks well behind you
And the man that ran now walks
It doesn’t matter who you are
The mirror sometimes talks

Have a good hard look old son!
The melons not that great
The snoz that takes a sharp turn sideways
Used to be dead straight

You’re an advert for arthritis
You’re a thoroughbred gone lame
Then you ask yourself the question
Why the hell you played the game?

Was there logic in the head knocks?
In the corks and in the cuts?
Did common sense get pushed aside?
By manliness and guts?

Do you sometimes sit and wonder
Why your time would often pass
In a tangled mess of bodies
With your head up someone’s……?

With a thumb hooked up your nostril
Scratching gently on your brain
And an overgrown Neanderthal
Rejoicing in your pain!

Mate – you must recall the jersey
That was shredded into rags
Then the soothing sting of Dettol
On a back engraved with tags!

It’s almost worth admitting
Though with some degree of shame
That your wife was right in asking
Why the hell you played the game?

Why you’d always rock home legless
Like a cow on roller skates
After drinking at the clubhouse
With your low down drunken mates

Then you’d wake up – check your wallet
Not a solitary coin
Drink Berocca by the bucket
Throw an ice pack on your groin

Copping Sunday morning sermons
About boozers being losers
While you limped like Quasimodo
With a half a thousand bruises!

Yes – an urge to hug the porcelain
And curse Sambuca’s name
Would always pose the question
Why the hell you played the game!

And yet with every wound re-opened
As you grimly reminisce it
Comes the most compelling feeling yet
God, you bloody miss it!

From the first time that you laced a boot
And tightened every stud
That virus known as rugby
Has been living in your blood

When you dreamt it when you played it
All the rest took second fiddle
Now you’re standing on the sideline
But your hearts still in the middle

And no matter where you travel
You can take it as expected
There will always be a breed of people
Hopelessly infected

If there’s a teammate, then you’ll find him
Like a gravitating force
With a common understanding
And a beer or three, of course

And as you stand there telling lies
Like it was yesterday old friend
You’ll know that if you had the chance
You’d do it all again

You see – that’s the thing with rugby
It will always be the same
And that, I guarantee
Is why the hell you played the game!

Have a good weekend and a merry Festive Season, see you at Big Game 7?

Mechanic vs.Cardiologist

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back together, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

How is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Condom use on an aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the
same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Right, get that condom on, she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.

“To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are
doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector.”

And what were you thinking ?

I worry about you sometimes

My kind of humour

Some not quite 100% PC so please forgive that.

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,

So I pushed her over.

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

Fred says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .

”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid ……. then I was petrified.

 

The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists.

I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday.

But it went off before I could eat it!

 

A teddy bear is working on a building site.

He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”

 

Fred says to Mick:

“What ya talkin to an envelope for?”

“I’m sending a voicemail, ya thicko!”

 

Just got back from my mate’s funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.