A Poem for old rugby players………..

When the battle scars have faded
And the truth becomes a lie
And the weekend smell of liniment
Could almost make you cry.

When the last rucks well behind you
And the man that ran now walks
It doesn’t matter who you are
The mirror sometimes talks

Have a good hard look old son!
The melons not that great
The snoz that takes a sharp turn sideways
Used to be dead straight

You’re an advert for arthritis
You’re a thoroughbred gone lame
Then you ask yourself the question
Why the hell you played the game?

Was there logic in the head knocks?
In the corks and in the cuts?
Did common sense get pushed aside?
By manliness and guts?

Do you sometimes sit and wonder
Why your time would often pass
In a tangled mess of bodies
With your head up someone’s……?

With a thumb hooked up your nostril
Scratching gently on your brain
And an overgrown Neanderthal
Rejoicing in your pain!

Mate – you must recall the jersey
That was shredded into rags
Then the soothing sting of Dettol
On a back engraved with tags!

It’s almost worth admitting
Though with some degree of shame
That your wife was right in asking
Why the hell you played the game?

Why you’d always rock home legless
Like a cow on roller skates
After drinking at the clubhouse
With your low down drunken mates

Then you’d wake up – check your wallet
Not a solitary coin
Drink Berocca by the bucket
Throw an ice pack on your groin

Copping Sunday morning sermons
About boozers being losers
While you limped like Quasimodo
With a half a thousand bruises!

Yes – an urge to hug the porcelain
And curse Sambuca’s name
Would always pose the question
Why the hell you played the game!

And yet with every wound re-opened
As you grimly reminisce it
Comes the most compelling feeling yet
God, you bloody miss it!

From the first time that you laced a boot
And tightened every stud
That virus known as rugby
Has been living in your blood

When you dreamt it when you played it
All the rest took second fiddle
Now you’re standing on the sideline
But your hearts still in the middle

And no matter where you travel
You can take it as expected
There will always be a breed of people
Hopelessly infected

If there’s a teammate, then you’ll find him
Like a gravitating force
With a common understanding
And a beer or three, of course

And as you stand there telling lies
Like it was yesterday old friend
You’ll know that if you had the chance
You’d do it all again

You see – that’s the thing with rugby
It will always be the same
And that, I guarantee
Is why the hell you played the game!

Have a good weekend and a merry Festive Season, see you at Big Game 7?

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back together, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

How is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the
same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Right, get that condom on, she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.

“To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are
doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector.”

And what were you thinking ?

I worry about you sometimes

Hints on how to liven up your idle senior hours…
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars…watch ’em Slow Down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ‘ For Marijuana’!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go…

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It’s called ‘therapy’!

Mother’s Driver’s License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

‘Mummy’, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’.

‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’

‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business’.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

‘My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend,
‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.
It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?’

‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.’

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,

‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘

‘Is it common?’

‘It’s not unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’

‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’

‘No, because he’s really heavy’

14. Guy goes into the doctors. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’

‘How’s that?’

‘Don’t you start.’

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’

I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it..’

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bastard!’

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’

The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore .“

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD ? At the doctor’s
* BFF ? Best friends funeral
* BTW ? Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT ? Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM – Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC ? See You at the Senior Center
* DWI – Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA – Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL – Living on Lipitor
* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT – Texting on Toilet
* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help.

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)