My kind of humour

Some not quite 100% PC so please forgive that.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,

So I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Fred says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .

”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid ……. then I was petrified.


The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists.

I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday.

But it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site.

He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”


Fred says to Mick:

“What ya talkin to an envelope for?”

“I’m sending a voicemail, ya thicko!”


Just got back from my mate’s funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.



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